


The Five Times People Came To The Ranch and Announced Themselves By Killing Something

by 994527



Category: MotoGP RPF, Motorcycling RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, No animals were actually harmed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-09
Updated: 2014-12-09
Packaged: 2018-02-28 18:12:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2742170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/994527/pseuds/994527
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This starts with the one-shot that I added to 'It's On Random', but then Lyra had a great idea, and I can't resist...there will be more ;)</p><p>It's really fucking dangerous for livestock on Vale's ranch.</p><p>1. Jorge vs Burro<br/>2. Alex vs Goose</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. “Piñata”

**Author's Note:**

> ♥

_FUCK._

He rips himself out the car to check the damage, knowing from the yelling that’s already started that Valentino is more than aware of both his presence and his driveway negligence.

_FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK._

The car looks ok, the donkey looks fucked.

“Hey there…donkey…or…” He wracks his memory for the name and grits his teeth. “Hey there Max. Sorry buddy…are you ok?”

Biaggi the donkey does not respond. Although not fluent in Italian at the best of times, it does at least usually blink or try to attack him, ironically enough.

“I’m sorry I hit you but your owner is now running over here screaming blue murder so it would be great if you could get up and pretend I didn’t drive over you.”

Nothing.

“Please…please, Max.” He prods it gingerly and winces at both the lack of response from the donkey and Valentino’s _DON’T YOU TOUCH HIM!_ as he fast approaches. “Wake up…”

“GET AWAY FROM HIM!”

He takes another look at the prone creature and then nods and winces as he gets to his feet, slightly barrelled out of the way by Vale, and guiltily watches the older rider start to sob, arms round the donkey, clinging on, nothing any use, before he looks up with daggers in his eyes.

“YOU’VE KILLED MY DONKEY.”

“I’m sorry.”

“MY DONKEY.” The Italian gets to his feet and starts to prod him in the chest, voice cracking. “My donkey. My baby…my poor, innocent baby, running free over my fields...”

Jorge puts his arms around him, worried he might get run over in return and pleasantly surprised as instead, his teammate starts sobbing into his shoulder, wincing guiltily at the sight of the dead free-roaming victim in the corner of his eye. _Sorry, baby._

“My donkey. Jorge, my donkey. My donkey is dead.”


	2. Plucker Up!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the #RufeaTeam doesn't always get it right.
> 
> All credit to Lyra :)

He hadn’t seen it. Obviously, or he wouldn’t have hit it. And it should never have been there in the first place, just wandering around like it owned the place. And now, running around and terribly distressed by the recent injuries sustained, it certainly needed to calm the fuck down and stay still.

_Please just let me catch you._

He tries to grab it again, hands just short of the ruffled white feathers and squawk the closest thing he’s heard to a goose actually yelling _FUCK OFF_ , and then ends up in a pile on the lawn growling into the grass and glaring at it. _And they don’t even know we arrived, yet._

“FUCK YOU, GOOSE. I’m TRYING to make a GOOD impression.”

It squawks again, now stationary and looking at him, before it starts to wobble on its feet and Alex feels himself go cold. _No…_

“No no no no no don’t die, please, I’m sorry I was rude and I promise I’ll be a vegetarian if you just…”

The thud as it bowls over is sickeningly final.

_Oh God._

_“Come to the ranch, Alex. You’re a world champion now!” “You’ll fit right in.” “Don’t be nervous.” “Aww these guys are cute. Marc! It will eat from my hand!” “No, Jorge’s not allowed anymore after he killed Max Biaggi.” “The donkey. Vale is very protective of his animals.”_

_OH GOD._ He honestly slightly feels like crying, dreams of acceptance in the ranch crowd fading fast, no protocol for killing pets upon arrival. But then he gets one more surge of desperate energy as he sees the goose do the same, a feeble flap that Alex knows could mean the end or the beginning of a glorious rescue, and crawls forward over the grass on his hands and knees until he’s staring down into the face of true desolation.

“Hey. Sorry…? Please don’t die.”

The goose blinks at him and genuinely shakes its head.

“PLEASE.”

And he knows he’s losing it, and in one last desperate attempt at patching it up, he grabs it and starts CPR, the goose now limp and unresponsive, the pounding on its chest doing nothing.

So Alex bends down and presses their lips together, or beaks, or a combination, and blows. He realises afterwards that maybe, if it had been successful, that would have ended very painfully for the bottom half of his face. But it isn’t successful, and he sits back and stares, panicking, wondering what to do, before closing his eyes and wincing as he hears the footsteps of the Yamaha rider’s speedy approach.

“ALEX WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! MY GOOSE! DON’T KISS MY GOOSE!” 

_I’m sorry. Please don’t throw me out._

The Italian reaches him quickly and pushes him out the way, staring down, suddenly realising the state of the animal, and starts to shake on the spot. “POLLY!”

_RIP Polly._

“Oh God. Polly…I…I’m sorry baby, he didn’t mean it…he…Polly…please, darling. Please.” 

He watches Vale fall to his knees by the stricken animal, fingers tracing over her feathers with a tenderness that Alex hasn’t seen from anyone before, and slowly starts to get to his feet, ignored by the host, and then finds himself sprinting in the opposite direction, back towards the car and Marc and Tito and people whose pets he hasn’t murdered, at least not yet, stopping once he’s leaning on the bonnet gasping for air.

“Ok?” Marc winces and ducks down to get eye contact. “Sorted?”

_No._

“I killed it.” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “And then he thinks I kissed it.”


End file.
